Black on Black: Being a BLESSING or a CURSE to your EXES – #BlackMasters

Sep 6, 2020

Sunday series: reflection on US, Black people and our relationship with ourselves and unsolicited relationships with others (unsolicited because “slavery was 400 years ago, get over it” reflexes from everyone around us – except us).



If you did not feel inspired after watching this video, then you did not reminisce about your own exes wondering how your conversations with each one of them would go, you are then asexual and void of any meaningful feelings. For those who have not yet watched the series “Wine With A Dime” by C Boogie Productions, this popular YouTuber is handling discussions with women in the most refreshing manner: no pandering, no role playing, no directing … the conversations just flow. You get to see a man and a woman talking to each other in a light that is as bright as it can be, vibrating.
In this instance, the special guest, ALISHIA L, is an ex. In other interviews, they are just friends with no particular benefits. Thanks to this uplifting exchange between C Boogie and Ceo of Spiritually Fit ( a Life and Health Coach, Personal Trainer and Holistic Chef: Instagram @spirituallyfit_365 ), you get to see that not every Black person is walking prejudices damaging each others’ lives. They both gave each other some “sauce” rather than walking away with someone’s heart or dignity, like narcissists happily would. Now, with shame, let us now reflect on our own past …

That EX that got away

This expression describes << an ex who has an exalted place among your past loves. They are the one you focus about. They are the one who floats to the surface of your thoughts when you are trying to sleep, the one you can still picture a future with — in a parallel universe >> (source: Thought catalogue).

An ex that you can only describe with compliments but not find any major issues with is an ex who can always come back? A person you used to date, who you are no longer involved with can be one you also leave in the past. This particular type of ex do not differ by how you describe them. They differ by how mature you are, as a man or a woman, in making a difference between your fond memories of them and your need to add more shared experiences with them. Allowing this ex to come back could produce a beautiful relationship based on respect and better understanding of each other. Allowing this same ex to bring again his dysfunctions into your life also could extend the same relationship you had rather than creating a new one. Each personality draws a line or fails to do it, due to how much he/she can make one’s heart beat.
Even as a fan of the Dom Game Division, it is annoying to hear C Boogie express his confidence and ability to take advantage of the respect his exes still have for him. Then I remind mindself how offended people would get if I joined the High Value Men discussions, listing all the propositions I got and I get without delivering all the crazy criteria stated by bloggers or YouTubers (talking my sh*t for a minute). To women who cannot pull these types of men, let say that the indifference towards someone’s wallet or ability to buy you gifts cannot be faked: it is an aphrodisiac to these high earners. Try it sometimes!

How many of your exes would describe you as the one that got away? It is often a term that applies to men. Women talk about that guy that was supposed to be her husband but … Men talk about that woman he was not ready for, so she bounced. They would happily drag “that one” along, if she allows it. So women are the gatekeepers of how a relationship should be, the home. My cousin told me once: << you don’t even realise the power you have over men >>. As a teenager, it flew over my head. All I cared about was love and heartbeats. Now, I understand the power of not withdrawing emotions, not holding on to that “first time” (as per Steve Harvey 90 days rule) but the power to create YOUR SPACE, made of your personality, your dreams and ambitions, while drawing men in and out of this space. It is not manipulating a man to care, just knowing who you are, where you are and where you want to go: having a “I do not negotiate with terrorists” approach to dating. It works! That ticking clock is their detonator, they will use it against you if you live by its timing. 

Building a relationship with a person who can or cannot talk about “that one”? This is a tricky one. How does  a man or woman talk about that ex is very crucial, they always eventually do. Is it used as leverage against you? Is it emotions that can no longer be contained? Is it a casual conversation? When dating a person, you want to know that you have made such an impression, none of the scenarios above will apply anytime soon. Again, the personality of a person and their level of maturity will define how they handle their new relationships. Faced with challenges, not everyone is mentally balanced enough to find a peaceful solution, the ex that got away is then used. Do you love that person enough to bring the balance they need or you are not that invested into their mental health at the detriment of your own? Another question that plenty of celibate bring to the table. Anecdotes: I personally no longer take applications from any men who don’t know why they are there or are not happy to be there. A famous YouTuber advised to keep in touch with people who come back, to flatter your ego, but after trying, there really is nothing coming from their mouth that moves me. Suddenly, your phone rings without delay or your health is their daily concerns. You are welcomed anytime you want, yet when given the opportunity to date you, there was a long list of reasons why someone else was still a priority or worthy of a conversation with you.

Coping with the EX you chose

<<A person’s trash is the next person’s treasure >>.

Technically, coping only occurs when kids from past relationships are involved. Can a C Boogie convert any Baby Mama into a non-hostile friend? Storytime with the Boogieman will answer that question, if venturing into his personal life is the theme of his next video. Plenty of great men, great dad, cannot do it! They are battling custody cases and child maintenance while venting online about their exes. Are they the EX that finally got out? Why is an EX that got away for one person is a nightmare for the next? Unresolved issues or left over feelings are often the explanation for hostilities between ex. Education from a Mon and a Dad instilled in your ex the value of co-parenting. When you choose a person without checking their relationship with their own parents, having kids with them will make you pay tenfold for your mistakes. Balanced individuals, no matter how hurt, understand to prioritise their own children happiness. Introducing a demonic spirit, with vengeful actions (like using the kids against the next parent), is one of the curses an ex brings into your life. They see no wrong in what they are doing. They foresee no damages with what they are showing to the children. And promoting themselves as a victim while building their reputation against their ex is the only blessing they strategise for themselves.

Are your issues with your EX a reflection of who you are? We all have an ex, and we all want to answer no to this very question. How to not look like your ex in the eyes of your next? When dating a person, you are supposed to not bring the drama from past relationships. You are also expected to handle, like a champ, every arrow thrown at you when co-parenting. Two extremes are the reality of successful couples: 

  • they now hate each others and cannot stand in the same room
  • they now respect each other but clearly do not care to even be friends

The third situations, in between the ones mentioned above, are challenging as they do talk to each other and you are not clear if they are still in each others’ life. Dating as an adult is just a massive headache!

Dating outside of your race

This is a great solution to not experience any problems with someone’s ex! MGTOW (men going their own way) is a mostly online community advocating for men to separate themselves from women and from a society which they believe has been destroyed by feminism. In the Black community, it often means dating outside of your Country (preferably a poor one where women will feel lucky to have you and your visa/wallet) or outside of your race (interraccial dating with the additional pictures with sarcastic captions, posts and commentary online against your own race/ex). 

This is the situation of the person who doesn’t know how to deal with another person, build a relationship and not use another human being, as a fix, to solve any problems he can discuss with said new “doormat”. Until the doormat shows them that she/he too is a whole human being. Then back to square one, how do you build a relationship with someone and become that great person who should not get away? Not every woman, even from poor Country or of other races will be used for long as your biographer, against your exes …

BY: Sylvaine FRANCIS